A WARM BLANKET
The lightning sears the black and purple sky with long, crooked octopus arms of electricity. Standing on the cliffs, I see the vicious sea, and hear its crashing, whispering voice call out to the hopeless and suicidal who might have been standing where I am at the moment. I’m not, of course, suicidal, by any stretch of the imagination. Nor am I particularly hopeless—even though I have had a long, frustrating day. These days come. Every once in a while I will feel myself slip into that old encasement, out of which I had to fight long and hard.
Walking closer to the edge, I feel an exhilaration in contention with my exasperation. I feel alive and terrified. I feel confused and excited. The sky lights up with a resounding boom and I see a spray of water below, as the lightning strikes mere yards from the shore. The hair on my arms tingle as the excess electricity permeates the air around me. I feel my heart pound.
Time drops away like the edge of the cliff upon which I stand, and I remember.
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Kit was fifteen. I was fourteen. She knew things I didn’t, and wasn’t at all hesitant in insuring that I was fully aware of this fact. She was a strong girl, having been raised in a family with four brothers and having learned early on how to defend herself. Which was a good thing, as my favorite pastime was seeing how much I could irritate her. I sometimes wondered if that was why she picked on me the way she did, turnabout being fair play and all. It wasn’t until her sixteenth birthday that I found out the truth.
Kit invited me to her birthday party, which I thought was unusual, since it was mostly her girl friends and a few older boys. Aside from the fact that I was, to my knowledge, her fearless nemesis. Nevertheless, my mom had said it would be impolite if I didn’t go, if only for a little while. So, I gave in and went.
It was the end of innocence for me.
Kit’s mother had prepared a great party, and was mostly staying in the shadows, making sure that nothing outlandish happened. She would never be aware of how ineffective she had actually been that day. She was bringing in more plates from the kitchen when she caught my eye. I must have looked pretty uncomfortable, standing there in the corner the way I was. She walked over and smiled at me.
“Is everything okay, Josh?” she asked. “You don’t look as if you are enjoying yourself.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. I just looked out at the ten or fifteen other kids.
“I have no idea why I’m here.” It was simple statement, but it seemed to carry more weight for Kit’s mother. Her smile faded and a look of concern clouded her face.
“But, you’ve known Kit since you were born, practically. She wouldn’t have invited, you, Josh, if she didn’t want you here. Right?”
“But, why?” I wondered aloud. I suddenly realized who I was speaking to and clambered to recover. “I mean, it’s not like we really have anything in common. You know? I figured she would just want her friends around.”
“But, you’re her friend, too, Josh. You do realize that, don’t you?” She was just being kind, I knew, but I accepted her concern for what it was. Pity.
“Yeah, I guess.” I smiled up at her. “I won’t stay too long, anyway. I’ll just tease her a little and then leave.” Her mother broke into a nice grin.
“That’s more like it!” She squeezed my shoulder a little and then scampered off back into the kitchen.
I caught Kit’s eye across the room, as she was laughing with one of her friends—Gloria something or other—and it seemed to me that she had been looking for me. She excused herself from her friends and made her way over to me. I waited patiently for her to say something mean to me. I would wait a lot longer than expected.
“So?” she smiled, gently. “Are you enjoying the party? You haven’t wished me a happy birthday, yet.” She said this last without a hint of anger or disappointment. It was simply a fact she was relaying. I was more than a little confused, waiting for the punch line.
“Uh, happy birthday?” I knew it sounded less than half-hearted, but I was still expecting to be smacked on the shoulder or something. She laughed. I freaked. What was going on? “Are you okay, Kit?” I asked, not knowing what else to say. She suddenly leaned forward and whispered to me.
“Meet me on the corner of Hammershaw and Birch. Tonight. Seven thirty. Okay? I have something to show you.” I couldn’t do anything but nod. My curiosity was now at astronomical levels. Kit and I had made a sort of career out of getting on each other’s nerves and being angry at one another for one reason or other. Now, she was being almost nice to me and I couldn’t understand why the change. And, what secret thing did she have that she would share with, of all people, me?
Kit walked away and a few minutes later I left the party, confused and anxious. I was completely lost as to what might happen that night.
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Standing on the cliff, the sky alight with lightning and the ocean whispering threats and solace, I feel the chill run up my spine, tingling my scalp. Kit. She was ever so much more than I had ever imagined she was. She had had a strange power over me my whole life, edging me to either anger or exhilaration at any given moment. Which of those moments would I give anything to have back, I wonder?
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At seven thirty that night, I met Kit on the corner, as instructed. In all actuality, it was a last minute decision that I had gone. For most of the day after the party, I had not been planning on going, but then, at nearly the appointed time, something made me change my mind and throw caution to the wind. For all I knew, she had an elaborate practical joke lined up for me. Wouldn’t that make for an excellent birthday present?
“I’m glad you decided to come.” She had on a light blue sweater with small sunflowers on the front. Her light brown hair was waving lazily in the cool, night breeze. I had worn a jacket and was glad of it. It was growing cold for late October and there was a definite chill in the air. Kit didn’t look cold at all, though.
“So, what’s up?” I asked, hesitantly. “You’re not setting me up for some prank, are you?” No sense in not being honest.
“I can understand why you would think that, Josh.” There was a slight sadness in her voice. “And, I’m sorry for that.” She paused a moment. “No. I am not here to trick you. I am here to trust you. Can I do that? I can trust you, can’t I?” There was a definitiveness to her question that made me wonder if she didn’t already have the answer.
“Yeah,” I replied. “Sure you can. What’s going on, Kit? Seriously.”
“Seriously?” She repeated, questioningly. But, the query wasn’t really directed at me. She was staring off into the distant, blue-black sky. Finally, she looked back at me, took my hand, and said, “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Someplace safe.” She led me down Hammershaw and then onto Wilkinson. We walked past the old Capshaw place and then turned down Frank Street, right beside of the three story, dilapidated estate. I was more than wary when Kit began to lead me into the old house. I hesitated.
“Come on, Josh. Don’t be scared.”
“I’m not scared,” I argued. “I just don’t know about this. What’s in there that you have to show me?” She looked up at the old house and then slowly back to where I stood, staunchly awaiting an answer.
“Me,” she explained, and she walked inside.
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Somewhere out on the horizon, beyond the stretch of the sea, is another world. I sit down on the edge of the cliff, hugging my knees. Staring out into the distance, I long so badly for that world. A world apart and separate from the one I have known. There is a swelling in my heart at the memory of Kit and that night. There is a confusion and a sadness and a love in me that is overwhelming. The tears roll gently down my face, dried quickly by the salty sea air. The rain is coming. I feel it.
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I found Kit in a room on the second floor. She was sitting in a chair, her arms around herself. I thought she looked cold, so I offered her my jacket. She refused, saying that she was fine.
“You don’t look fine,” I responded, quietly.
“I’m not fine to you?” She asked the question with a different inflection and I immediately knew what she meant. Which, I must say, confused me even more. “Do you think I’m pretty, Josh?” My heart was pounding in my chest. This was taking a direction for which I was quite unprepared.
“Uh, sure. Yeah. I guess, ” I stammered. “Why? Are you sure you’re okay, Kit?” My hands were sweaty, even in the coolness of the air.
“We’ve known each other forever, haven’t we?”
“Since I was born. yeah.”
“And, even before that. Don’t you think?” She had lost me.
“Huh?” I asked, not understanding what she meant.
“I think we have known each other for a very long time, Josh. I really do.” She stood from her seat and began to pace back and forth. I sat down on one of the old chairs, across from her. “Have we ever not argued?” At this familiar territory, I relaxed a little. I even smiled.
“Nope.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Shoot, I don’t know. Just the way we are, I guess. We’ve always just argued. And, irritated each other. Hey, it’s what we do.” I shrugged with a smile. Kit stopped pacing and then came to kneel in front of me.
“Do you feel it, though?” she asked suddenly.
“Feel what?” I felt far too warm for the weather. The jacket I was wearing suddenly felt heavy and uncomfortable.
“Here,” she said, placing her index finger to my chest. “Inside. Do you feel the pull toward me?”
“Okay, Kit. You are officially freaking me out. I don’t know what you are talking about.” But, I did.
“Do you remember when I went away to my grandparents’ last summer?” I nodded. “Did you miss me?” There was a glint in her eye, a curve to her mouth that I had not noticed before. I was definitely too warm. I began to take my jacket off. Placing it on the back of the chair, I looked back at Kit and could find no words. She asked again.
“Did you miss me?”
“Well…yeah. I mean, there wasn’t anyone else around to annoy.” But, the last few words were not quite truthful. I felt the lie in my mouth and it left a bad taste, like cold metal. My breathing was quicker and I felt her hand on mine.
“Really?” she asked, softly. “You wanted to annoy me?” Her hand wrapped around mine. “Is that all?”
“Kit…” I was beginning to feel strange. I searched for some way of getting out of the situation. “I don’t think we should be here. What if someone saw us come in?”
“It’s okay, Josh. I know how you feel.” She stood up and, her hand around mine, pulling me up with her. We stood there for a long moment. I was only about an inch taller than Kit, so our eyes were almost level. I saw the look in her deep green eyes and it made my heart skip a beat. There was something there, something like…hunger. I was suddenly scared to death. I began to tremble. I noticed that she was trembling, too. I suppose it was out of instinct that I wrapped my arms around her—I thought—to keep her warm. “I need you, Josh. I need you around me. I need to know you’re there. Because when you’re not, it’s as though something is missing. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” I did understand. I felt it deep down inside and I understood.
“You’re my best friend. Did you know that?” I could feel a sudden warmth on my shoulder, realized that she was crying.
“But,” I began, “What about all of your friends? Gloria and all of them?”
“They aren’t true friends. They aren’t you.” She pulled away and looked at me, her eyes moist and glistening from the tears. “I still have something to show you.” She stepped back and walked to the middle of the room, about eight or nine feet away. “You are the only one who can know.”
I waited for a moment, uncertain of what it was that she might want to show me. The night had already brought enough revelations that I felt as though someone had sucked all of the energy from my body. I felt weak. Fragile.
“Fragile,” she said. I looked up at her and she smiled through her tears. She felt like I did. But, there was so much more to what was going on. I could feel it, from somewhere inside me. Somehow this night was taking on the feeling of myth and mystery.
“Myth and mystery.” Her words carried with them an electrical charge. They came to me softly, but the force of the realization was almost too much. At first, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. I thought to myself, this can’t be happening.
“But, it is, Josh.” Her smile was sad. She seemed to have as much confusion of emotion in her as I did and that confusion fairly glowed from her. I realized at that moment just how beautiful Kit was. With her long brown hair and bright green eyes, her soft touch and warm smile, she seemed like an angel to me at that moment. She began to walk toward me.
“Thank you,” she said. “Try to hear them, Josh. Try to hear my feelings.” I had no idea what she meant, but the apparent fact that she could hear my own thoughts provoked me into trying.
I felt her hand in mine, once again, and the glow of her melted into me. I closed my eyes and…you, you know. I always have. The words drifted into my mind like music. I strained for more. I love you, you know? I always have. My breath caught in my throat and suddenly I coughed, violently.
Her arm around me, I sat heavily into the chair on which I had placed my jacket. Kit waited until I had finished my coughing, tears filling my eyes, then kissed me gently on the cheek. This is amazing, I thought.
I know, she thought. And, I heard her!
How long have you been able to do this? I thought/asked her.
Since last summer. Her lips were definitely not moving. We were face to face, only inches apart. I was at my grandparents’ and I just had this strong feeling of missing you and all of your annoying words and pranks. She now wore a huge, glorious smile. All of a sudden, I could see you, in my mind. I could hear your thoughts. I thought I was dreaming at first, but then my grandmother walked into the room and I realized that I was wide awake. I tried again, later that night and I…felt you…missing me. It was strange. After all, we had always been around each other and nothing like that had ever happened, even when we were at each other’s throats. Now, I was several hundred miles away and it was like you had never been closer to me. And, I had never cared about anyone so much.
Why didn’t you try and…I don’t know…’think’ to me, then? I felt the strange closeness that she was talking about. It was strong, intimate and comforting. I felt as if I were wrapped in a warm blanket.
I tried. But, it was only one way at the time. I kept practicing. Listening in on your thoughts and emotions. I’m sorry. But, I just had to be sure I wasn’t imagining it all. And, the more I heard and felt from you, the more I realized how much…
“How much you loved me,” I answered, aloud. She nodded, the tears coming again. It was sudden and wonderful, our lips meeting in the softest of kisses.
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With the rain gently falling upon my face, my tears wash away without a trace. The cliffs don’t seem so high, as I remember Kit and that night. We met our destiny, there in that old run down mansion. We felt as if the world were ours. What could we not achieve? Where could we not go? We felt a part of each other, then, as if somehow our souls had intertwined along with our thoughts.
The next few days were as a dream. We ‘thought’ to each other constantly, on occasion playing tricks on our parents or friends, teasing them with hints of what we were capable of. However, the secret was ours and we kept it safe. Right up until…
I felt it happen. It shook me right down to the core of my soul and left me unable to speak for weeks. I felt her, heard her scream, as the car struck her. I screamed, too. And, I heard her thoughts, her final thoughts through the pain.
Don’t forget me, Josh. Please don’t forget me. I love you.
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The sky finally grew dark, the lightning easing and the shapes of the darkened clouds fading into the pitch of the night storm. I stand and stare out at the shadow of the sea, edging nearer to the cliff’s edge. It was five years ago, today. I try not to think about the day I lost her, but I fight to remember all I can, every detail of that night. When all of what I thought I knew was stripped away and replaced by an incredible feeling I have never even known existed. To cherish and remember that night and those feelings, holding them to me like a warm blanket, is all I desire.
In the darkest of nights, there is still the light from that night, the glow of Kit’s soul as it engulfed me and opened my heart to the possibilities. We found in each other a great power, coupled with a great love. If one grew out of the other, we will never know. What we do know is that there is something worth waiting for. And, the sea would have to waste its vicious whispers on someone else this stormy night. For my love waits for me on the other side and I shall arrive there soon enough.
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
–From Hamlet, Prince of Denmark - 1601 - Act I. - Scene 5. - Rows: 166-167